shepherding this heart

Lately I've seen God's hand molding and shepherding my heart more evidently.  He is reminding me and teaching me so much while here in England.  I am thankful when spiritual things especially intersect so clearly with daily life and truth feels so real.

Since getting to Sheffield, the church we've attended has been going through 1 John.  We hear it preached on Sunday and then in our life groups in the week, we further unpack the sermon and verses.  We've also been encouraged to personally study the verses throughout the week and it's been so good for me.

This upcoming Sunday we will hear about 1 John 2:28-3:3.  As I was studying it this week (such a grace!), I really wanted to understand more about "abide" and it led me to look more into the theme of love throughout the whole book. Essentially, the link between abiding and loving became nearly redundant and clear!

As I looked up abiding, it resounded with words like: endure, continue, stay connected to.  1 John talks about abiding in Jesus specifically abiding in Jesus' love. We are both commanded to love our brothers and love like Jesus while wading in His love for us.  That led me to think more about defining Jesus' love.  It felt fresh (thankfully) to look through a few verses from a concordance about Jesus' love.  The compilation was that Jesus' love involved: dying, laying life down, die for ungodly, give self up for others, be an offering and sacrifice, sacrificing to leave comfort that others might gain and have life.

Wow.  Love IS dying!  I know that.  But I've forgotten it.  It's a grace to be reminded of it!   This is especially real and pertinent because of my stage of motherhood.  With my cute and fun boys now growing up and learning to say "no," to demand, to hit, fight, push, to manipulate, and to throw tantrums, it's been a struggle to feel loving toward them.  It's often the case that I'm frustrated, or just exhausted with breaking up the little fights or calming them down after each lays on the floor crying because they wanted to wear the blue shirt and not the red one. I felt like the Lord was reminding me of the JOY it is to love my boys and the fight it is too.  I want to lay down my life for them.  To set aside convenience and ease and die for them.  I am thankful that Jesus left the perfection of Heaven to come and live a life of humiliation and pain so that I could be His daughter.

God has also been reminding me of truly loving others in marriage as well.  Trudi, who is in our life group (small group) has been so warm and welcoming.  Her husband and family host a lunch every week after church for lunch.  

 I was telling Trudi about how since coming to the UK (or anywhere out of your comfort zone), as we'd be warned, with the subtle load of stresses here, we have reverted to out default tendencies easily.  For me that means, nagging and control.  Oh, I have an opinion about how the boys are fed breakfast and what they're dressed in, and where my purse gets moved to.  Such frivolous things!

As Trudi began to talk about the beauty and weight of two becoming one, I was so struck.  I was so thankful for the Lord to use her to remind me of the blessing of my other half.  Not just the man I married, or my partner, but literally he's a part of me.  She talked about how she's grown to view everything in marriage as an evaluation if something is good for them as a marriage unit.  Not viewing it as good for him or good for me.  To buy a nice bike that would help her husband stay fit, have an outlet, and get around town is good.  And since they're one, she doesn't need to in turn ask for a shopping spree because he gets something and now its her turn.  Oh, that was convicting for me.  I often think something like, "I've been with the boys all day, now I need you to take a turn." I often feel like Andrew owes me something for the gift of being able to care for our kids.  Yes, I do need breaks, and yes, I do need help.  I do not however, want to demand that, even in my heart, or feel entitled.  How distorted things are in my heart!  How ironic that we've been trying to teach the boys that "It's not all about you," and yet that's exactly how I live even with my husband!  A sweet parallel God has put in my life! I realize I often act like G or J who currently in the midst of the "terrible twos" (I hate that saying though), will throw themselves on the floor or immediately start crying, whining and hitting when they don't get their way.  I just do it more civilized...I nag and manipulate.

Oh, how I need Jesus! I am so thankful for Him reminding me of my innate desire to be in control, right and at the center of everything.  That leads me to being superior-minded, mean, and hurting those around me.  What incredible grace that God would call me His child.  That he would invite me into His family even while I throw my own form of tantrums.